Kevin Smith is my doppelganger

Hi.

Here's what happened: My brain shut off. It got too overwhelmed, and it said, "Nope. I'm not doing anything. I don't know when I'll do anything again, but for the next few days, if you try to make do something, it's not happening."

This is why I haven't been replying to emails properly or responding to comments or writing or doing much of anything useful. I did watch three episodes of MST3K and take my cousin to see Sesame Street Live, so it wasn't a total loss of brain shutting-down ness. I also watched the Michael Wincott parts of three different movies, because Michael Wincott is the best part of any movie. Ever.

But here I am. My brain's still working at about 50% power, but that's enough time off. We had a long weekend, and that was great. But I've got stuff to do, and I need my brain to do it. So tomorrow, we'll be back. At 100%. I promise. 

Also, in a post related to the last one - a lot of people had made the valid point that what I should do depends on what my goals are in regards to my writing career. That's sort of an obvious answer, but it begs the question - what are my writing goals? 

That's too big to answer, and my brain's still only at 50%, so we'll answer the smaller one:

Why did I self-publish?

To that, I defer to Kevin Smith, writer/directer of such gems as Clerks, Chasing Amy, and Dogma. I have always felt that in a lot of ways, Kevin Smith and I kindred spirits. Sure, Jersey Girl sucked, but I'm aware that not everything I write will be of the non-sucking variety. 

But I think that Kevin Smith and I have a lot of the same motivations, and a lot of the same attitudes about life. Although, he smokes a lot of pot. And I don't. 

Since I brought up Kevin Smith, you might think that I'm going to mention parallels in our careers and personality. And I possibly could. He started out indie. He references John Hughes a lot. He appreciates a good boombox. He inserted Morris Day & the Time at the end of Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back because they're awesome. He named a character after Catcher in the Rye. He's obsessed with the Canadian TV show Degrassi. He also shot Mallrats in Minnesota, just for funsies. And he prefers Matt Damon to Ben Affleck. 

I'm actually just starting to realize how similar I am to Kevin Smith. 

But that's not what I meant. I meant Chasing Amy. Not ruin the film for you, but here's the deal: This chick named Alyssa is a lesbian, and Ben Affleck falls in love with her. Initially, she blows him off, saying she's a lesbian and all that.

I just scoured the internet for the quote to make sure it's exactly right, but it's running through my head the last few days. Since I've been listening to people talk about and advise me and just talk about their own situations in regard to indie vs. trad publishing.

Here's the quote:

Alyssa Jones: The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just gets you--it's so rare... And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.
Holden McNeil: Still am.
Alyssa Jones: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.

 So. That's how I feel. That's why I did what I did. In regards to publishing. Not my sexual orientation (which is straight, in case you wonder). 

I knew I wanted to write, to be read, to be make a living at it. To do that, I wasn't willing to cross anything out. So I went indie. I'm still satisified with the way things are going, and I don't plan on any major changes in the near future.

However, part of me is afraid that if I were to change paths, I'm betraying the indie community somehow. That I'll be a sellout. (Which again, makes me like Kevin Smith.) 

That's not what I want to do, but I don't think that's what I am doing. I'm still doing what I set out to do - write, be read, make a living. No matter what I choose to do, that's where it comes from. And I'm not going to cross out anything path until I decide it's not going to improve the situation.

So... that's all I have to say about that.