necessary evils and mortal enemies

I sent off pages and I can't explain how rough that was. I always get so nauseous and panicky attacky. Because this time could. If I just do it right. If write things just right, and market them just right, and they get to the right agent at just the right time. If all the stars in the heavens align perfectly...

I've done the work, but I never know if its hard enough. I never know if my work is polished enough. I read it over and over again. I make other people read it over and over again. I cut things and move things, so the rough drafts look like a rainbow threw up all over them thanks to all my highlighter use.

Sending off queries doesn't bother me that much. Getting rejected from them doesn't either. Sending off pages freaks the hell out of me. That's something. That's somebody actually taking the time to read my books, and that rejection is actually rejecting me. I know it's supposed to be personal, but that's my book. You read my work. And for whatever reason, its not for you. That's the worst.

And every time I send of pages, I'm always sure it's going to be a no, but... I still hope. I still think"this could be it," even though I know that "this" is really just a step in the right direction,. Getting an agent isn't success. It'll help and it's good, but there's still tons more work (and more rejection) before (if) anything gets published and goes on the shelf.

But still... this could be a step more than I've ever made it before.

Or it could be someone rejecting me for reasons I'll never know. It could simply because my work didn't speak to them. It could be because I didn't edit it enough. Or it could because of how poorly written it is. I don't know. I don't think its poorly written, and I try to fix it, but maybe they will. And I'll never know what merits it was rejected on.

My biggest fear is that I sell it wrong. I don't describe it right in the query, so the people that might want it don't ask for it, and the people that ask for it don't really want it. It is a 90k word urban fantasy/young adult. I did take inspiration from Willow, Labyrinth, Pretty in Pink, and Sixteen Candles. I wanted it to be a modern fairy tale meshing those films together.

But is that what it actually is?

I don't know. There aren't any muppet-y characters in it, like in Labyrinth. But I don't know how to write them. There is magic and trolls and an evil queen and kidnapping and things of that nature.

I don't know. Here's what I do know: I love writing. I think I took a made a variation of concept that hasn't been done before (sexy trolls!). My dialogue is very believable. Wendy is funny. Finn is steamy. I think there's something there. I think it's worth reading, and I think people will buy it.

That's what I think.

But I also nearly threw up when I hit send. So that's my professionalism.